dear cont'd

did some thinking and realized i didn't end the last one quite right.

• be the friend i want others to be.  
• make an effort for people - be they friends, potential friends or strangers.
• take a chance on people - yep, they'll often screw me over but which will i regret more?
• step outside my comfort zone - especially for friends, who knows what new discoveries await me from others - new music, new people, new art, new shows, new pics, so much is out there!
• trust more, love more, forgive more - i screw up as much as anyone else and would hope for such understanding from my friends
• realize others are struggling to make this life work, too, and shouldn't i put in as much energy as i would hope others are?
• be an example to others as a Christian, a woman, a friend, a "fill-in-the-blank"

think that sums it all up rather nicely...i need to be the best "me" that God created 
   

dear petty people

that would include me, too.  i'm recently figuring out that i am petty..sometimes very petty.  especially when it concerns my baby.  and that she is often much more self-possessed (look it up) than i am, even now at this date...but my best friend reminds me that she always has been. and that's where this is going..to best friends or to friends in general.
this started out as a rant against pettiness, mine own included, but as i thought about it i realized rather than griping i wanted to thank people.
thank you to friends, especially close ones.  friends who work to maintain friendships especially when one of them is feeling lazy about it.  friendship is a two-way street and sometimes one person may carry more of the load than the other and it often see-saws back and forth but knowing someone cares enough to keep working on you is such a blessing.
thank you to friends who listen and work to see things from the other's perspective.  when two people try to see situations and emotions from the other's eyes then it gives a friendship so much strength.  even if you don't always agree with what they're expressing emotionally when you stop and say i understand what you're going through then it helps the other so much to know that you care enough to try and put yourself in their shoes....to feel what they're feeling can help a heart so much.
thank you to people who want to befriend even when the other may not recognize it.  looking back i see moments when i could've made friends, when others were open to it and i walked away or sabotaged myself so thank you to those people for trying.  it was my own stupidity, stubbornness, laziness that ruined a possibility and i apologize for being an idiot.
thank you to those people who hurt and cause pain in friendships because it makes one recognize who their true friends are, who are the ones worth putting time into.  who are the ones who take the time to respond, who may struggle sometimes to understand you but they make the effort?  those are the ones worth your time...not the ones who blow you off, who never return your messages, never return the effort.  if you've tried time and again to connect and they put you last in their time then are they really worth it?  so i thank you petty people who think someone isn't worth your time because someone else has realized they are a fantastic person, someone worth getting to know and you're the one who'll be missing out. 
my best friend lives about 1500 miles away and she's been there for over 10 years.  we are very  very different people and yet we make it work.  some weeks we'll talk or text several times a week other times it'll be once a month.  but we make it work, we've both worked to keep this friendship going.  and no one gets her like me and no one gets me like her. 
so appreciate the friends you've got who make you feel worthwhile, important, a person worth knowing.  treasure the new people who want to be friends...they don't all have to be your best friends but count them as people worth knowing.  and let go of the ones who don't count you as important...mourn the passage of the friendship and remember it fondly but don't drag yourself down with something that has passed.  it had its time and maybe its time to move on.

apologies on the length of the rant but it needed to come out...much like verbal diarrhea.

dear crappy weekend

i sit here listening to my young'in sniff and sneeze, knowing there are kiddos and parents questioning why the same person gets the lead roles in everything, wondering why some parents can be so hurtful about kids they haven't taken the time to know, thinking that sometimes you just have crappy weekends.  i know my kiddo and her bff haven't had the best weekend and they had a speed bump or two...they seem to be somewhat out of sync with each other right now and i'm praying they'll figure it out.  they've worked too hard to have the friendship they have to not fight for it.  mine is fighting a heckuva headcold and has to sing for the next couple of days..i hurt for her.  she's been trying to write a personal note to her boy for valentine's day and was struggling with it but think she's finally getting it figured out.  she's not good at expressing herself verbally when it comes to emotional things.  and then there's her bff's who had been cruising along for the past month getting to know a boy she'd known for a while in a whole new way.  looked like everything had been going well then WHAM!  his mom finds out and thinks she's not good enough for her son, that her big bro had done some bad things in the past and so she's painted with the same brush.  what kind of crap is that?  sometimes parents just tick me off - they don't think at all.  his mom doesn't even know her nor has she given her a chance...people are plain stupid. then to top it off - casting came out for the spring musical & the same girl who's gotten the lead parts since about 6th or 7th grade, got the lead again.  i understand that she's talented, we all get that, but how can anyone else show that they have talent or try out their dreams if she gets every great role handed to her?  i know it's not all her fault...fault lies in the hands of the those deciding who gets the parts.  but people get to the point of "why even try out for a good role" if she's up for it?  oh...and they might be making the cheerleaders tryout when they've NEVER had to?  and there are some jr high girls who are getting way too big for their cheer britches?  they seem to think that they can boss around the varsity girls and that since they have money that they are better?  going so far as to tell the current varsity captain that she probably wouldn't make it thru the tryouts next year and wouldn't have to worry about cheering next year....these girls are getting ridiculous!
so i guess that's the end of my weekend...watching some awards show, chillin' with my kid.  that kind of ending can make the whole crappy weekend sorta disappear...amazing how snuggling up with a loved one or two can change your whole attitude.
be well friends

dear people who want to be someone else sometimes

boy do i understand that.  last time i griped about people being jealous and hurtful to my child.  today i confront the inner green demons of my own.  even at the ripe, young age that i am (hehehe) i still have moments when i want to be someone else or i'm jealous of others....boy do i ever understand.  sometimes it's as silly as wanting to be someone like pauley perrette (abby on ncis) or christina aguilera (that voice!) but mostly it's the common folk, my own people, my friends.  like several of the mothers who have husbands who come home to them, help support them, snuggle and rub their feet (is that wishing too much?)...but you get the idea.  especially those husbands who have great enough jobs that it allows the wives to not work outside the home for a living - yes, i said it, there are times when i would like to be a pampered, stay at home wife/mom....getting the nails done, hair done, massages, volunteering...but i digress. 
where was i?  ah, yes, jealousy and wanting to be someone else.  when i day dream of being someone else, i rarely stop to think about what it would REALLY be like to be in someone else's shoes.  makes me wonder if behind that bright smile is she really thinking about the fight she had with her husband earlier and how she's going to make ends meet if they really split up or worrying about her mom now that she's started her 2nd regimen of chemo.  do we ever really stop to think about what is really happening in the lives of those we wish we could be?  i don't..i just see what i believe to be that perfect life and wish it was mine.
that leads me to the other side...needing to learn to be content...nay even happy with me...just the way God made me.  well, at least the way He wants me..lol.  i am an amazing child of God and i need to remember that.  he created me beautiful, smiley, dark, twisty and everything in between.  sometimes it's a chore to remember to be happy in my own skin...not wanting to crawl into another's.  and maybe when i have these moments, instead of wallowing in my desire to be someone else i should use it as an opportunity to praise God for the me that i am.  it'll be a struggle but with His help then i believe i can get there. 
but when the jealousy starts, instead of allowing it to run over me, drowning in it, i need to reach out to the lifesaver that is Christ and remember that i am a pretty freaking amazing person!  people like me, even love me, and i am incomparable to anyone else! and what's even worse, i bet most of the same people that i am jealous of and wanting to be...sometimes want to be me!  isn't that just a hoot - i'm driving myself crazy and they're secretly feeling the same way...life is so twisted this way.
anyway, suppose that's enough ranting for now.  hope i didn't bore you too much and maybe it'll help someone.

later days

dear gary

was listening to you again and just had to say that your voice is like silk on my skin...not in any perverted way, just that your voice is smooth and soothing.  on rough, busy days i like to drown out the sound of those around me with your sound and words.  thanks again for sharing!

ciao

dear whomever

Wowzers, it's been a while.  Been busy I guess.  But it's been good busy.  My girl had her winter formal a couple of weeks ago and she was beautimous!  Had a lot of fun taking multitudes of pictures of the kids at the dance and bowling afterwards.  So enjoying this time right now as I know as she gets older it'll be less and less...bleh. 
And then I aged a year this past week, at least according to my license...lol.  Had a fantastic weekend with basketball games even though we didn't win then lunch at a wonderful Mexican restaurant then watched "One for the Money" with my girl , her girl, my sis, cousin and a couple of aunts.  Then went and picked out a new phone because mine was crap and i didn't want to sign a new contract.  After that, too much shopping at our local going out of business department store.  Sucks because it was our favorite store but it's what happens here.  And I was somewhat able to be strong, didn't get her everything she wanted but got 3 new dresses that i really liked on her and a few shirts. 
All in all, that's pretty much it in a nutshell.  Have a fantastic week folks!

dear bleh

i'm tired...so very tired.  don't know if it's a leftover from this weekend or not feeling well or what but it really sucks.  would like to get a good night's sleep for once!  i probably should start working out and i bet that would help but i'm so darn couchy by the time i get home.   i need a few days on a beach somewhere...soaking up some sun, having a frou-frou drink...think that could help.  anyone got a beach i can borrow?  and myles kennedy to serenade me (if you don't know who he is - go watch the band alter bridge's blackbird (live from amsterdam)...he's the singer and sometimes guitarist...wowzers!

dear ego

why do you always think everything is about you?

Dear Worries

Bored and although not lonely, am alone.  I forget how quiet the house can be with only me and my pets in it.  Kiddos out at a friends tonight so I have the place to myself.  Most would probably be out gallivanting around the town, sipping at beverages and dancing on the floor but I prefer the peace of my home...mostly.  I have so many thoughts running through my head though in this quietness that it's hard to concentrate on a book and I have no desire for the noise of the television.
So, you have no idea that I just typed a whole page of thoughts then deleted them.  Decided they weren't ready for public consumption. (Got that idea from Hannah...thanks babe.) But it felt good to get them out even if I then removed them.  Thoughts are interesting if you really think about them...lol.  They can chase themselves around and around like a hamster in a wheel and unless you get them out, they go faster and faster making you dizzy with their antics.  God tells us not to worry because He's got us in His hands but sometimes I forget.  That's when my thoughts become worries which then eat at me.  Worry for my daughter, for her friends, for my choices, for my family and friends.  It's becomes a never ending vicious cycle.  And one worry often leads to the next..like a rabbit running down a myriad of trails.  Whew!  Makes one exhausted.  Thank God that I have Him to rely on.  I'm learning (though I often have to be retaught) to turn them over to Him.  Especially when it comes to my girl.  I told her once to think of a long staircase and at the top, in His throne is Christ.  And He's waiting...just waiting for me to bring my worries, my burdens, my pain to Him and place them at His feet.  So imagine, you're carrying these heavy items, because they're always heavy no matter the size, but you're carrying them, dragging them up the stairs.  They may get heavier the closer you get because that's how things work but once you get them there, you lay them down at His feet.  It's usually hard for me to let go and they're often sticky, like they want to stay with me, stuck to me, crushing me but I work and release them.  And sometimes I imagine I crawl into His lap and just let Him hold me for a while.  Because He wants to, He wants to hold me and remind me who He is.  Then I must go.  But I find I often look back at my pile, sometimes I even run back to it because it seems to call to me, to pick it back up and I sometimes find them back on my shoulders.  So I do the process again and again and find it does get easier with time and practice like most things do.  This works great for a while but then one day, like today, I realize that I've been holding my burdens close to me again and that Christ is just there, just up the stairs, waiting for me with His arms open and His eyes soft with love.  And I realize that I can let go of these burdens and breathe deeply again.  And I start to learn it all again and so I start up my stairs once more, worries and pains in my arms, until they are at the feet of Christ and I am in His arms and He's telling me of His love for me.  Then I have peace...at least for a while.

dear victims of sad

seasonal affective disorder otherwise known as SAD.  according to webmd, sad is a type of depression that occurs during the same season every year.  typically, it means you get funky in the winter but feel better in the spring thru summer months. there are also people who have the reverse seasons - fine in winter, SAD in the sunny times. symptoms can start occurring in mid-fall and get worse as the days start to get shorter.  experts aren't sure exactly what causes SAD but believe it has to do with a lack of sunlight which can throw off your sleep cycle, circadian rhythms, and may mess up your serotonin levels.  sad symptoms include feeling more sad, grumpy, moody or anxious than normal; loss of interest in your normal activities; craving for carbs; less energy and ability to concentrate in the afternoon; social withdrawal.  possible treatments are light therapy with special lights, anti-depressants, talk therapy, daylight exercise.
you may be wondering why i bring all this up.  my kiddo and i think she may be a victim of this disorder.  i started noticing it last year but thought it was normal teen issues but when it started up again this year, we realized she might have an issue.  the last couple of years about this time, she's broken up with her boy and slipped into a bit of a funk.  she gets irritable, more emotional, less social, more lethargic, and most of the other symptons above.  neither of us (as far as i know and she's said) can think of any thing else that has occurred in this time frame that would cause this behavior. 
so now we look into treatments.  i've ordered golite blu for light therapy and wondering about any other homeopathic therapies.  can i mix melatonin with it?  or any other treatments?  she doesn't like to do pills and won't talk to a therapist.  anyone have any options?  it's a semi-nice day out here today, maybe we should take a walk?  i just want to take care of my baby and put her mind at ease, get her feeling better.  i welcome any ideas.

thanks friends

dear friends

Wow!  So my baby came home Friday afternoon from school in a sad, sad state.  She and her bestie, E, both got into the car in quiet, subdued state.  They didn't seem mad at each other, just depressed with one another.  It was odd.  Dropped E off and headed home with my baby.  She tried, oh she tried so hard to find a better frame of mind but it seemed just out of her grasp.  Got her home and settled on to the couch for an hour of relaxation before the next basketball game she had to cheer for...tried talking to her for a bit but it just made her teary and she stated she wasn't going to talk about it.  So, I gave her space.
One of the toughest things I ever have to do as a mom is to walk away when I can obviously tell she's in pain.  Space.  She wants space and I have to give it to her to allow her to become the woman she will be but it's so hard.  And she hurts so much.  Her friends think that since she's able to shut it all down, become cold and distant, that she doesn't feel...they are so damn stupid.  Most people live their lives openly, allowing every emotion out so they clean out the pain inside them.  It may take a few (or many) emotional explosions but they clean it out.  She doesn't do that.  She holds it in and it starts to eat at her.  She feels so deeply, so so deeply but she hides it.  And I don't know how to change it now.  How to show her it's ok to feel openly, to allow people in sometimes and let them know the true you, the inner you. Many times it may bite you in the ass but sometimes you'll find people who love the real you, the you you takes great pains to keep hidden.  I know, i've lived it.
It's what we do...how i was raised and unfortunately then i've passed it on to her.  when i was young, i was raised to believe that emotions were a weakness, a way for others to exploit us.  i think the truth is somewhere in the middle.  how do i teach her that opening up to those special few is ok, let them see you cry, let them know your fears, they want to.  they want to know you, the real you, they want to be there for you.  and teach her that she doesn't always have to be strong, sometimes strength is found in being weak, being able to open up to others. is it too late?  can she relearn?
how do i tell her the only way to get past her past is to leave it behind.  maybe we should do what they did on vampire diaries - have a funeral for the old her.  let her be reborn like a butterfly..she deserves that.  she deserves so much.  pray for her please, pray for her.

Dear Friends

So, my kiddo turned 15 recently.  We had a great day in a local metro mall, wandering, shopping for dresses, eating good mall food.  Busted a young man on the escalator behind my girl.  We'd gotten on there and I was a step or 2 above her, turned to say something to her and noticed the guy behind her.  He was about 2 steps below her which put him right at eye level with her hiney.  He was staring straight ahead with a small grin on his face.  He definitely liked the view.  His friend caught me looking at the culprit with a "really??" look on my face, gave his buddy the "cough COUGH COUGH" to let him know something was up, culprit gave me a guilty look and they took off as soon as we reached the top.  They were gone before I could point them out to her.

Then we went on with our hunt for THE dress for the winter formal.  We had purchased this dress:

 

this past summer when we were running around this past summer and fell in love with it.  But then she grew taller which slimmed her down even more and now it's too big.  It could be taken in but I wanted to hunt for more...teehee.

Next we found this dress which looks absolutely smashing on her and very similar to the one above.

And finally, we have this number.  I think this is going to be the winner. Let me know what you think?  It's so different from the others and she looks simply stunning in it.  Some family members who've known her since she was a small child say it's too sexy and makes her look too mature but I'm not sure.  I'm thinking she's ready.  Also, some of her favorite people think this is the best one.

 

ciao peeps

dear gary

for the longest time i've wanted to write a letter to gary allan...yep, the singer, gary allan.  i know - stupid, right?  and yet, i want to write him.  to tell him to keep singing to me, keep writing songs and bringing stories to life.  i know you don't write to me specifically nor do you even know who i am but i am a fan.  just that - a fan.  i can't say that i've never thought how great it'd be if we met and that we'd have this instant connection and i'd sit on my couch whilst you wrote music and practiced it for me.  lol...sometimes i have the imagination of a teenage girl but hey, it keeps me young.  keep writing to me and i'll keep listening, daydreaming that one day...just one day...