dear friends

Wow!  So my baby came home Friday afternoon from school in a sad, sad state.  She and her bestie, E, both got into the car in quiet, subdued state.  They didn't seem mad at each other, just depressed with one another.  It was odd.  Dropped E off and headed home with my baby.  She tried, oh she tried so hard to find a better frame of mind but it seemed just out of her grasp.  Got her home and settled on to the couch for an hour of relaxation before the next basketball game she had to cheer for...tried talking to her for a bit but it just made her teary and she stated she wasn't going to talk about it.  So, I gave her space.
One of the toughest things I ever have to do as a mom is to walk away when I can obviously tell she's in pain.  Space.  She wants space and I have to give it to her to allow her to become the woman she will be but it's so hard.  And she hurts so much.  Her friends think that since she's able to shut it all down, become cold and distant, that she doesn't feel...they are so damn stupid.  Most people live their lives openly, allowing every emotion out so they clean out the pain inside them.  It may take a few (or many) emotional explosions but they clean it out.  She doesn't do that.  She holds it in and it starts to eat at her.  She feels so deeply, so so deeply but she hides it.  And I don't know how to change it now.  How to show her it's ok to feel openly, to allow people in sometimes and let them know the true you, the inner you. Many times it may bite you in the ass but sometimes you'll find people who love the real you, the you you takes great pains to keep hidden.  I know, i've lived it.
It's what we do...how i was raised and unfortunately then i've passed it on to her.  when i was young, i was raised to believe that emotions were a weakness, a way for others to exploit us.  i think the truth is somewhere in the middle.  how do i teach her that opening up to those special few is ok, let them see you cry, let them know your fears, they want to.  they want to know you, the real you, they want to be there for you.  and teach her that she doesn't always have to be strong, sometimes strength is found in being weak, being able to open up to others. is it too late?  can she relearn?
how do i tell her the only way to get past her past is to leave it behind.  maybe we should do what they did on vampire diaries - have a funeral for the old her.  let her be reborn like a butterfly..she deserves that.  she deserves so much.  pray for her please, pray for her.